Power struggles are everywhere. We're accustomed to seeing them in government, but they're also common occurrences in the workplace and the family. And though it seems counterintuitive, they abound in arenas that we think should be focused on love, such as churches and romance.
How can you win a power struggle? That's the wrong question. What you need to do is step out of the power arena altogether to find a new perspective and a new approach to the conflict. To put it another way: Instead of letting your opponent control the agenda--a situation that just about guarantees that you're going to come out a loser--start looking for another approach.
Not easy to do. But there are three truths that can help you understand the underlying dynamics and, just possibly, evade the power player's tactics.
Three Truths about Power Contests
1. To the power player, winning is everything. The moment you step into the ring, you've already lost the contest. Remember when your mother used to talk about "cutting off your nose to spite your face"? She was talking about power plays. A determined opponent will often gladly sacrifice his or her best interest in order to position you as a loser.
2. Committed power players are empty inside. Psychologist Carl Jung used to say that power--not hatred--is the opposite of love. If you know someone who keeps trying to draw you into power contests, ask yourself if that person is incapable of relating to you in a loving way.
3. Both participants ultimately lose. This is the hidden truth that can sometimes guide you out of a power contest and into a resolution. To ensure that they come out winners every time, some people consistently turn friends, family members, coworkers and lovers into losers. Ultimately, of course, all their relationships gradually break down. In later life many of these power players come to discover that their careers have collapsed, they've lost the leadership positions they fought so hard to gain, and they're estranged from family and friends.
Three Tips
1. Strike the word "win" from your mental vocabulary. Even if you win a battle or two, your opponent will see to it that you lose the war.
2. Refuse to take the bait. Power players like to use contests and competitions to fill up the emptiness in their lives. If you decide not to play along, your opponent might discover a new way to relate to you.
3. Point out the costs. Power players tend to live in the immediate present. Pointing out looming outcomes--divorce, estrangement, loss of a future promotion or leadership position--can sometimes turn the situation around.
One More Suggestion
The best way to keep from getting locked into repetitive power plays is to avoid them in the first place. Look for early signs that power issues might develop into a major problem in a relationship, especially when you're starting to fall in love. Alcoholics and other substance abusers, for example, often are committed power players. Other warning signs are excessive manipulation in a relationship and a person who can never apologize or admit to being wrong.
The Bottom Line
Power contests exact a high price from all of us in many ways, large and small: Government inefficiency, business problems, heartbreak, depression, and the time and energy invested in meaningless contests that no one can win. Learning to deal effectively with power contests and power plays is an important step in maintaining our personal health and a smoothly functioning society.
Jean Reynolds, Ph.D., is Professor Emeritus at Polk State College and the author of seven books. Visit her website at http://www.soulspace.us/ to read her article "Power Issues in Relationships." Her book "Gretel's Story: Finding the Way Home" available at http://amzn.com/144218888X explores the themes of emptiness, betrayal, family, and love from the perspective of the soul's secrets and mysteries.
